VANCOUVER, BC (December 23, 2009) – Today it was reported that a local gingerbread man (shown in the photo on the left), who miraculously came to life in the oven of a Vancouver couple last Christmas Eve, was found half eaten in his home. “Allegedly, the couple thought they were making gingerbread cookies,” recounted Vancouver Constable Tom Kennings, reading from the police report. “They made the dough, cut out the shape, added icing for his eyes and gumdrops for his buttons. When the smell of ginger filled the room, the man (whose name is being withheld) opened the oven and out popped a gingerbread man.”
“We had never seen anything like it,” recounted the man. “At first I wanted to eat him, but my wife stopped me. ‘No!’ she said. ‘He may be golden brown, hot, and full of delicious gingery goodness, but we can’t eat him. It just wouldn’t be right.’”
“We wanted to make him comfortable, so we made him a gingerbread home. We added marshmallow seats and a gram cracker door for privacy.” The woman tearfully recollected “Gingy (the couple’s pet name for the victim) seemed, well, happy here.”
Allegedly, the couple came downstairs on Christmas-eve-eve only to find the victim half eaten. “We don’t know what happened to him,” said the woman. “We went to bed on Tuesday night and he was safe and sound in his gingerbread home. We found him the next day torn apart with his buttons missing. What kind of monster could have done this?!”
The couple’s neighbour Tom said “There have been strange happenings in our neighbourhood come Christmas time. If you ask me, I think that no good Santa did it. I don’t trust a full grown man who wears a red velour suit. It just ain’t right.”
Santa told Fox media “I’ve been busy making a list and checking it twice, well, once this year due to the recession… I won’t be commenting further on the Gingerbread case at this time. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” Mr. Clause will be standing trial in February on charges of grand cookie larceny and second degree murder.
According to Ron Byrnes, a local legal analyst, “Santa could plead ginger induced insanity, which typically holds a sentence of 3 years jail time and 2 years probation. The defence may argue that Santa was thrown into a temporary ginger induced rampage, coined by UBC researchers as the ‘I-Have-To-Have-a-Ginger-Cookie-or-I-Will-Go-Crazy Syndrome,’ which prevented him from fully understanding the consequences of his actions. At this point, it’s too early to predict the outcome of this case.”
Was Gingy eaten by Santa? Involved with gangs? Did he have a breakdown? Did he feel so isolated and alone in Vancouver that he decided to end it all? Did he wander into the streets and get half eaten by an Amway worker? Help us solve this heinous crime. If you have any information regarding the Gingerbread case please contact Constable Kennings at 604.232.1437. The couple is offering a cash reward to whoever comes forward with information.
I personally don’t think police take these reports seriously enough. No wonder citizens are tired of police inaction. The cops in this city seem to be too busy handing out traffic tickets. At the same time, more important crimes such as the one you report is not allocated enough manpower. Should they not be outraged enough to form the Gingerbread Task Force?
I agree Salim. There have been talks of forming a Gingerbread Task Force. What better time than now? Santa is on the move and will strike again. It’s only a matter of time before more lives are destroyed.
*red faced and wiping cookie crumbs from mouth*
What a shame.
This is the first I have heard of such a horrendous crime. Who would do such a thing? The perpetrators should be punished to the full extent of the law.
Do you know where I can get a glass of milk? I have something I need to wash down.
I always knew Santa was a dirty rat. I’ve heard rumours he was involved in a Ginger Gem smuggling ring. My feeling is poor Gingy got caught up in all the sordid happenings of Santa’s illegal business. The shortbread I made last week have been whispering to each other about how Gingy threatened to go to the police. Santa sent his top hitman, but Rudolph didn’t have the guts to snuff out Gingy, so the jolly man had to fly down from the North and off Gingy himself. It’s all heresay and speculation though. The shortbread are rather flakey.
Thank you for the inside information Cheeky Cici. The police have been on to Santa’s gem smuggling ring for a while now. I overheard it when I was baking some lemon tarts. In fact, last year a few of my rings went missing… It just so happens that my mom’s prized Faberge egg went missing, too. The citizens of Vancouver are fed up. We will tolerate Santa’s burgling, underhanded ways no longer. I predict a revolt.
… and, Salim, they’ll probably follow tradition and call it the “Integrated Gingerbread Task Force”!
This just in: Gingy was spotted on YouTube along side the Cookie monster! http://bit.ly/4FY0RN Gingy nooooo!!!! I guess Santa walks, THIS time…
Upon further examination of the video, it looks like the cookie monster DIDN’T eat Gingy. He ate an unsuspecting oatmeal cookie instead: http://bit.ly/8l9nT0 Santa is still out there, and likely on the move.
Look, you dirty rats, my mouthpiece says I’ve gotta alibi and I ain’t telling youse nuttin’ different.
I knew it! You were in cahoots with ol’ saint nick all along! You’ve got 2 deaths on your conscience now. What should I tell the unsuspecting oatmeal cookie’s family? These things just happen? What about Gingy’s partner? I hope you’re happy. I don’t know how you sleep at night…