Dear @MakeMoneyOnline1000,
Things just can’t go on like this any longer. I cry every night and it seems like I’m forever carrying around a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I’m fed up. I’m tired of standing on a bridge that is still burning and the truth is that I’m about ready to jump. Yeah, that’s right. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Really, how much longer did you expect me to hang on?
Yeah, sure, I was smitten. But when you pulled up in your red Ferrari to take me to the “make-a-million-dollars-in-one-day” conference, I knew that you would cause me nothing but disappointment. But I couldn’t look away… You. Were. Beautiful. Well, except for your teeth – they’re too friggin’ white… It scares me! Remember when I told you that your smile was like a solar eclipse? That wasn’t a compliment… Sure, a man can fix the yellow chompers that make him look old and slovenly, but they don’t need to look like freshly scrubbed bathroom tile. Alas, WHY do you still live in the empty corridors of my mind?
My friends were nothing but nice to you, but you had to @reply them with links to “Britney vids.” I thought you were classier than that. And what about Sally? You know that her weight really upsets her. But you’re an opportunist, aren’t you? After she bought those “cut belly fat” pills from you, she gained 30 lbs, got a bad case of gout, and lost her upper lip. Who will love her now? She’s a lipless freak! Wherever there’s human suffering, there you are… A complete vulture.
And what a grand idea it was to sell my boss that “gain followers” tool… Thanks to you, he got a Trojan horse. Pop ups GALORE during the board meeting. Sure, you got lucky making some money during the dot come boom, but you don’t have any real credentials. When I asked God to send me a “man,” I should have been more specific. I’m just being played and I’m not going to stand by and take it any longer. I have never been anybody’s fool and I’m not going to be yours any more. I’d say “let’s be friends” but I already blocked you on Twitter.
Goodbye,
Tanya
Tags: Just for Fun, Satire, Twitter
Good post Tanya – couldn’t agree more!
As far as pining away for this gent, perhaps it is time those in the know unveil some truth about him. The Ferrari was rented on a stolen credit card. The teeth were so white because they were dentures as this “social marketing guru” and “networking ninja” was found out to be a ‘manly enlargement pills’ spammer and had his original pearly whites extracted one by one with a pair of pliers by angry hotmail users who haven’t figured out that gmail offers much better spam protection.
As for those pills. He took them himself and now suffers, deservedly so, from severe ‘leakage’ that requires a diaper. I’m sure it’s rather uncomfortable sitting in his mom’s basement loading up API auto-tweets about the next get rich quick scheme.
Put out the fire the on that bridge though! That’s the one I have for sale. It’s really cheap and we can work out an extended payment plan if you like. It comes with a real deal on web hosting. You only have to pay for 5 years at a time to get 3% off. Awesome!
Ummm OK, let me see. So, if I buy the bridge now, you`ll only charge me 50% accrued interest for 5 years…. so, how much is that…. carry the one…. Ok! Sounds like a good deal! What happens if I default on payment? You`ll only take my first born child, right?
Great post Tanya, now can i talk to you about a opportunity in parrot farming? no no, we do not farm parrot they farm for us. Yes we used heavily sedated parrots to grow children for food. Nice corn fed Alberta Babies nom nom nom…. great opportunity for you and the parrots will scrub your teeth the perfect shade of white.
Sounds great. Very ethical of you to sedate the parrots. They probably enjoy working for a living. It’s better than sitting idle in a cage, or flying free in the open blue sky. Too much freedom is a bad thing.
I’ll trade you a bridge for some parrots Steven (aka @amoosefloats).
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Too bad I went out on a blind date with this “Rich Jerk” a few weeks ago. When I opened the door to my mystery date, little did I know that he left a back door open to come and go as he pleased later. I dumped him, and went to my settings, and unchecked the little box that said “anyone can register” and changed my password. I deleted the little calling card he left behind, the script code that hijacked my visitors to his weird idea of a fun site, and got my friends back. You can never be too careful! Now I have oodles of free time to learn the one secret I need to have a flat belly and dazzling smile!