VANCOUVER, BC (December 23, 2009) – Today it was reported that a local gingerbread man (shown in the photo on the left), who miraculously came to life in the oven of a Vancouver couple last Christmas Eve, was found half eaten in his home. “Allegedly, the couple thought they were making gingerbread cookies,” recounted Vancouver Constable Tom Kennings, reading from the police report. “They made the dough, cut out the shape, added icing for his eyes and gumdrops for his buttons. When the smell of ginger filled the room, the man (whose name is being withheld) opened the oven and out popped a gingerbread man.”
“We had never seen anything like it,” recounted the man. “At first I wanted to eat him, but my wife stopped me. ‘No!’ she said. ‘He may be golden brown, hot, and full of delicious gingery goodness, but we can’t eat him. It just wouldn’t be right.’”
“We wanted to make him comfortable, so we made him a gingerbread home. We added marshmallow seats and a gram cracker door for privacy.” The woman tearfully recollected “Gingy (the couple’s pet name for the victim) seemed, well, happy here.”
Allegedly, the couple came downstairs on Christmas-eve-eve only to find the victim half eaten. “We don’t know what happened to him,” said the woman. “We went to bed on Tuesday night and he was safe and sound in his gingerbread home. We found him the next day torn apart with his buttons missing. What kind of monster could have done this?!”
The couple’s neighbour Tom said “There have been strange happenings in our neighbourhood come Christmas time. If you ask me, I think that no good Santa did it. I don’t trust a full grown man who wears a red velour suit. It just ain’t right.”
Santa told Fox media “I’ve been busy making a list and checking it twice, well, once this year due to the recession… I won’t be commenting further on the Gingerbread case at this time. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” Mr. Clause will be standing trial in February on charges of grand cookie larceny and second degree murder.
According to Ron Byrnes, a local legal analyst, “Santa could plead ginger induced insanity, which typically holds a sentence of 3 years jail time and 2 years probation. The defence may argue that Santa was thrown into a temporary ginger induced rampage, coined by UBC researchers as the ‘I-Have-To-Have-a-Ginger-Cookie-or-I-Will-Go-Crazy Syndrome,’ which prevented him from fully understanding the consequences of his actions. At this point, it’s too early to predict the outcome of this case.”
Was Gingy eaten by Santa? Involved with gangs? Did he have a breakdown? Did he feel so isolated and alone in Vancouver that he decided to end it all? Did he wander into the streets and get half eaten by an Amway worker? Help us solve this heinous crime. If you have any information regarding the Gingerbread case please contact Constable Kennings at 604.232.1437. The couple is offering a cash reward to whoever comes forward with information.
There’s been a lot of talk about Movember in the Twitter town of Vancouver. You may have noticed hoards of men walking around with decorated upper lips. Whether it’s scruffy, blonde, black, bushy or sparse, the mo’ is very hot right now!
